Vicky sold her story to the Mirror.

The Mirror

 

'Post natal depression left me fearing I'd kill my own baby.'

Vicky Woodings contacted us saying 'How do I sell my story?'. Vicky had experienced a severe form of post natal depression and wanted to warn other women about her experiences.

She also appeared in Now magazine.

Now magazine

 

'I wanted to kill my baby.'

Vicky also appeared in Now magazine.

 

 

Five News with Natasha Kaplinksy

And Vicky went on Five News and This Morning. Watch Vicky talking about her experiences on Five News by clicking here.

 

 

 

 

Do you have a story about an illness or mental health issue that you'd like to sell to a women's magazine or newspaper? To sell your story, contact us now. Fill in our story submission form on the right, or call us direct....

 

 

 

 

I BEGGED MUM TO CUT OFF MY HANDS ..in case I killed my baby;

It's feared Sasikala Navaneethan, arrested at the weekend for leaving two of her children dead and one fighting for life, had post-natal depression. Here, one sufferer, Vicky Woodings, 28, reveals her own shocking story...

By BOUDICCA FOX-LEONARD

 

"I KNOW from experience the hell of post-natal depression and how close to the edge it can push you.

I realise now I was a danger to my baby daughter Lottie. It's easyfor people who've never been through it to judge mums who have suffered. But they can't know what it's like.

In my mind, I thought that if I killed Lottie, then myself, it would be good for everyone. I didn't want her to grow up damaged becauseher mother didn't love her.

I suffered the most severe form of the condition - puerperal psychosis - and I hallucinated and believed Lottie was in my brain, talking to me.

I thought she was evil and, without help, I may have ended up harming her.

Sadly, there's too little support for families. I was lucky enoughto get professional help but postnatal depression is a silent illness, often diagnosed late and every year women commit suicide from it. I can see how it wouldn't be a much bigger step to start thinking about hurting their children, too.

Of course, things didn't begin so dramatically but within months of Lottie's birth I'd started hallucinating.

One time, I was in the shower and watched my hands morph into chicken claws. They were ugly, yellow and covered in scales. And where myfingers should have been were sharp talons. Terrified, I blinked and, as quickly as they'd appeared, the talons vanished and there were my hands - completely normal.

Just two days after giving birth to Lottie, I "saw" my 26-year-oldhusband Matt's head turn into a giant baby and the next day I hallucinated that I couldn't see my legs - it was so strange, I didn't knowhow to explain it.

When I became pregnant in 2005, I thought it would be the best experience of my life - the reality was a nightmare. I suffered constanthiccups and nausea, and after two heavy bleeds before I was 12 weeks, I was terrified I would miscarry.

Unable to keep food down, I grew weak. So, it was a huge relief when Lottie was born healthy. I settled into caring for her but I neverfelt the urge to cuddle her.

I also felt I was losing my mind. The day after I saw the chicken claws, I was putting Lottie to bed when I had a vision of dropping her on her head.

I was convinced I'd hurt her. Matt assured me that I hadn't but I didn't believe him. In desperation, I drove to my parents' house nearour home in Hereford.

I began hallucinating and hearing voices. I thought that Lottie was in my mind, telling me to cut off my breasts.

More withdrawn

"Don't go near Lottie, she's spiteful," I wept to Mum. Alarmed by my behaviour, she called the doctor and the next day I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and given anti-depressants.

Soon I was sleeping 21 hours a day and when I was awake I wouldn'tgo near Lottie.

Mum looked after her and every time I heard Lottie cry, I ran away, into the garden. "Why don't you just drown her!" I said to Mum. "Orput her up for adoption - she's pretty, lots of people will want her." In the next two weeks, I grew more withdrawn. I wouldn't let Matt touch me and hid in the house. Once it took him two hours to coax me from under the bath and I was seeing chicken claws every day.

Inside, I was racked with paranoia, convinced I'd never been pregnant and Lottie wasn't my baby. I thought that she was an intruder andhad tricked everyone into loving her.

Finally, when Lottie was seven weeks' old, I confessed to my doctor that I didn't believe she was my baby. He then realised just how serious my mental state was and said I was suffering from puerperal psychosis.

I was given an anti-psychotic drug and, within a few days, I felt as though a cloud had lifted from my mind. I suddenly knew Lottie wasmy baby and I started helping look after her.

At night, I would bathe her and for the first time I tried speaking to her. When she was sick one afternoon, I cleaned her up and gave her a cuddle. It was the first time I'd felt a maternal instinct.

But I was still struggling inside and, in October 2006, I had another serious episode... "Mum, cut my hands off!" I begged her one night. "They aren't safe, they're demon hands.

I might kill Lottie." As I went to grab a kitchen knife, Mum triedto stop me and I started to strangle her. To me, I wasn't stranglingMum, because the devil was controlling my hands. When Matt prised myfingers off Mum's throat I didn't feel any emotion, just dead inside.

The doctor recommended I was sectioned and I agreed. The next day I was taken to the Stonebow Unit in Hereford Hospital.

After three weeks of constant treatment and help, I was allowed back to Mum's and my hallucinations stopped.

By Christmas, I'd reached a point where Matt, Lottie and I were able to move back into our own house and I took over caring for her.

Lottie was six months' old but I felt as if I was starting from scratch. It took three months before I bonded with her.

But I still had never told her I loved her. I didn't want to say it until I really meant it.

That day finally arrived when she was 14 months old. As I put her to bed one night, I leaned over her cot, kissed her and felt a rush of love. "I love you," I whispered.

Eight months on and I've started a new job working for the NHS as a support worker. I'm still on medication and see a psychotherapist once a week. She thinks my post-natal depression was triggered by my traumatic pregnancy and the pressure I put on myself to be a good mum.

I feel I missed out on the experience of having a newborn baby andI would love to have another child. But there is a 40 per cent risk of me becoming ill again.

It's a risk Matt and I will have to weigh up in the future. I'm hoping I can stop taking antidepressants soon but, for now, I'm enjoying being a proper family.

I love my daughter and, from now on, my bond with her will only continue to grow.'

 

 

POST-NATAL DEPRESSION

THE "baby blues", where you feel tearful a couple of days aftergiving birth, are normal. But if they last much longer, you may be suffering from post-natal depression. One in 10 new mums get PND - symptoms included tearfulness, anxiety, difficulty bonding with baby, problems sleeping and loss of appetite. Around one in 500 will suffer from puerperal psychosis, a serious psychiatric illness, which causes delusions, hallucinations, mood swings and confusion. The sooner sufferers are diagnosed, the better. Visit Mind at www.mind.org.uk.

For help, visit www.mothersvoice.org.uk